Warning! Needy Guy Ahead: 4 Red Flags to Avoid
In past posts, we’ve discussed the struggles of the dating app culture. Read more about that here. Let’s take a look at another type of guy that can seriously ruin a date night!
The Needy Guy
In the dating game woman are generally thought of as the needy ones. If a guy gives them just a little attention, they have the potential to become stage 5 clingers in no time flat! They dump emotional baggage, endlessly text, want to spend every hour of every day with you, and are overly sensitive. Exhausting! But hey, I’m a woman... I totally get it!
What about when the tables are turned? When the guy is actually the needy one. I’ve experienced this scenario and I have girlfriends with unbelievable tales from the crypt. For most of us ladies, this role reversal feels unnatural and throws off the masculine/feminine balance. However, we are nurturing and caring by nature and have a tendency to accept this behavior. Or worse yet, interpret this behavior as healthy interest instead of the glaring red flag that it is!
If you end up on a date with a needy guy, it will probably be apparent that he’s this type fairly quickly. I had one particular dating experience that made red flags fly within minutes. This guy was a cop. I met him, where else, but on a dating app. Given his occupation, I had more trust in him than I probably should have and agreed to ride with him to the restaurant instead of driving separately. Once in the car, the usual getting to know you banter began. But, it took a hard turn by the time we hit the first stoplight.
He launched into a doctoral dissertation about his ex girlfriend! He felt the need to explain to me how much he loved her, how he did everything for her, how great they were together, and how she broke his heart. So many details (facepalm). Whoa! That was a lot of information for the first 15 minutes. I could tell he was looking for me to have a sympathetic reaction. He wanted mothering and compassion. He probably would have gotten those reactions a few months into dating, but on the first date….NO! He clearly wasn’t over his ex and I was not going to be responsible for picking up the shattered pieces of his heart. Needy red flag #1.
After what seemed like an eternity, we get to the restaurant. By this time, I’m ready for a drink! I figured that the conversation would shift and he might actually ask me some questions to get to know ME. Nope. He just kept talking. I am not exaggerating when I say that this guy did not ask me one question about myself. He was completely self absorbed and I’m convinced he just wanted to hear himself talk. He needed my validation for all the things he saying. I wish I could tell you more details about this part of the night, but I honestly stopped listening. I tried to take control of the conversation multiple times, but to avail. After a few attempts I zoned out, checked my phone, and daydreamed about the end of this awful date. Needy red flag #2.
After a very long dinner, we headed back. You guessed it, he was still talking. So, here we are. That ever so awkward, how do we end the night moment. I gave him a quick hug, thanked him for the dinner, and practically ran to my car. I didn’t want to send any mixed signals. Almost immediately the texts started rolling in. I answered sparingly, but they continued nonetheless. For the next week or so he just kept texting, morning and night. It made no difference how much I answered him or didn’t answer him. Needy reg flag #3.
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He asked me on a second date. I declined. Through his conversations, both in person and through texts, it was clear that the only real interest he had in me was the validation I could give his ego. When I didn’t give him the validation he was seeking, he couldn’t handle it. He sent me a long rambling text message about how he needs more. He was accusatory and tried to dump his insecurities on me. He told me I wasn’t doing enough or being enough. Needy red flag #4.
I’m not sure what he thought my reaction was going to be, but I don't have time for that! I didn’t even answer. I just blocked him and moved on!
As women who are striving for personal growth and learning to recognize our value, we need to change our perception of needy male behavior. It can be used as a form of manipulation and control that drives us to feel guilty, especially if we don’t cater to the childlike demands. We shouldn’t feel obligated to come in and mend all his previous wounds or live up to some expectation that our purpose is to boost his male ego. If he’s all about himself and what you can do for him, then it’s time to change your standards. If he wants all your time and keeps you from doing things you enjoy, then it’s time to change what you accept and walk away.