10 Tips Guaranteed to Make You More Assertive
Recovering from people pleasing is a long game. Although you may have the self awareness to know this is who you are, it will take time to get it completely out of your system.
This is a journey.
A quest to overcome literally everything you have been taught. Your parents teach you to obey, your school teaches you to succumb to their authority and then your job demands you follow policies and procedures. So naturally many of us blindly follow the rules.
For those of us that identify with people pleasing tenancies, it’s hard to discern your own ideas and goals when you have spent your whole life living other people’s missions. When I realized I wasn’t happy in my job, I had no idea why. I spent so many hours trying to figure it out and was so confused as to why I couldn’t identify what I wanted to do next.
It has literally taken me 35 years to start living my own life. This year marked the first Mother’s Day in my daughter’s 15 year life I will actually enjoy. You know what it took?
Speaking up for myself.
Not in a mean or rude way. But telling my husband what I wanted and compromising for a final plan. The most surprising part for me was that he just said yes! I had been making up this whole commentary in my head about how mad everyone would be if I asked for what I wanted. In reality, no one cared!
While that was a win, I keep having setbacks too. It’s super frustrating, but I keep reminding myself that I have been this way for decades and change takes time.
Michelle and I have definitely become more assertive. Just the other night we told the lady at J. Alexander’s we wanted a booth when she tried to sit us at a table! For people that aren’t diagnosed with the disease to please, you won’t get how much of a change this is. But for us, it is a whole new world! It got me thinking of the ways in which we are both overcoming our people pleasing tenancies and how much we have actually changed for the better.
Here are 10 lessons we are working on:
Spend some time discovering yourself. Take an MBTI assessment to help.
Pause before immediately saying yes to something. This gives you time to think about what you want.
Give yourself permission to change a plan if you aren’t feeling it. Even if you previously said yes.
Determine your boundaries and stick to them.
Forgive yourself when you allow someone to overstep a boundary.
Realize people won’t like your boundaries, this is proof you need to set them.
Examine your current relationships, make any necessary changes.
Realize some people won’t like you, and that’s ok.
Start speaking more authentically with those closest to you.
Thank yourself for being brave enough to make these changes in yourself!
It’s OK to be nice to people, but when you are sacrificing your wants and needs to make others happy it becomes an issue. When you put complete strangers needs over your own, it’s an epidemic! We have been mining our way out for the past two years and want to share our discoveries along the way. If you want to hear more and get it on some freebies, make sure to sign up for our mailing list!